Saturday, February 23, 2008

Joy in the Night

It's happening again. I'm not sure why. The feelings showed up about a week and a half ago and whatever they are, I'm not really all that fond of them. I've always been a girl who's good at sleep. The world can be crashing down around me, my stress level can be through the roof, problems to be solved, decisions to be doesn't matter, I can always set it all aside until morning. Bedtime is my escape from the world. I realize the problems have not gone away, but they will certainly wait until morning, so why should I lose any precious sleep over it.

But lately, it's different. I'm not sure if it's physiological (body) or psychological (mind), but I wake up. I feel strange. My heart beats fast, my arms feel flushed. It's truly weird. I'm starting to wonder if it's not some manifestation of anxiety or stress and it's very strange to admit that on my blog, but doing so is the whole point of this make an honest effort at admitting struggles and successes and sharing the work of God in my life. (at least I think that's my point; I'm not accustomed to blogging at 1:25 in the morning, and at this hour it's hard to tell if I'm even putting complete sentences together. I really hope this doesn't become my habit)

Lest you read this and feel inclined to lecture me on the importance of consulting with my doctor about all of this, let me assure you that I'm already well down that road. We are working hard together to get this strangeness figured out.

But I'm fascinated with this concept of anxiety for a couple of reasons. I don't particularly feel anxious and in my limited understanding, I cannot figure out why I would wake up out of a deep sleep because of anxiety. Sleep is what alleviates my anxiety. It all seems backwards to me. But as I read Psalms the other day, I came across an encouraging verse.

"When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul." Psalm 94:19.

Isn't it good to know that even in the middle of our uncertainties, God will console us and give joy? So, even if I end up blogging in the middle of the night, I can do it with God's consolation and, ultimately, his Joy.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

The Second Chance

“Didn’t I tell you once not to do that?” That’s one of the things I often ask my son. If I’ve told him something once, I do not want to have to tell him again. Yet, I’m so glad that’s not how my Heavenly Father deals with me. I can come to him over and over with the same questions, the same problems, the same sins and he is always willing to listen and forgive. He is the perfect patient Father, the everlasting encourager, and he will forever be the God of the Second Chance.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Good Boot News

This just in...I gave the boots a second try. It's almost 1:30pm and they are still on. There's hope for me yet!

Sunday, February 17, 2008


I’ve heard you can determine a woman’s personality by the contents and arrangement of her purse. I used to agree with that theory, but now I’m not so sure. Being an organized, want-to-be perfectionist, I’ve always been one of those girls who felt the need to keep my purse in order. I certainly didn’t want to schlep around a huge bag, so my motto was keep it small and keep it organized; a place for everything and everything in its place. Recently, however, I feel my once tightly held views slipping away.

I didn’t intend to buy a big purse, but somehow it happened. It’s sort of like picking out your Christmas tree or a big screen TV…it looked smaller at the store. After I got it home, I realized it was quite huge, and it didn’t help when one of my husband’s friends, who is an avid hunter, told me that it looked like I could pack half an elk in it.

Nonetheless, I faithfully started carrying the purse. What transpired over the following days was amazing! Rather than carefully file away each item, receipt, and dollar, I began to stuff everything into the one large cavity of my new bag. The resulting feeling was euphoric! No more organizing. No more orderly compartments! No more conserving space. I pay, I stuff, I go. Who knew life could be this easy? Well, actually, my Mom probably knew, because she’s operated this way for a number of years (sorry, Mom). So I guess I must come by it naturally, or maybe this is the beginning of my mid-life, purse crisis. Whatever the reason, my purse-onality is definitely changing!

Thursday, February 07, 2008

These Boots are Made for Walkin'...NOT!

It's Jen's fault. I was working late like a good girl. She's the one who called me and said she was on the way to JC Penneys to buy shoes. My office is not far from Penneys. What am I gunna do...stay and work while my friend shoe shops alone? No way. Not me. I couldn't do that to her, so I hopped in my car and found her standing by a clearance table of boots.

There were tall boots, short boots, black boots, brown boots. It was a boot lover's paradise. Here's the thing...I didn't really need a pair of boots. Of course, you know I bought some. How do you pass up $70 boots for $10? Who cares that they were not my exact size...close enough. It wouldn't matter if I were an eskimo and it was ice on that clearance table. I would have definitely bought it! It was too good of a deal to pass up.

So I left with a cool pair of high-heeled, black boots. They seemed a little "high" for me, but I look so wonderfully tall in them, I pushed any doubting thoughts to the back of my mind. Surely the height advantage is worth the trade off of comfort.

I decided to wear the boots to work today. I had an important meeting and thought looking tall would be a good idea. As an afterthought, I tossed my loafers into my bag. Good thing. I arrived at work at 7:45am. The boots came off at 8:15. I was much shorter for the rest of the day, but a whole lot more comfortable.

Saturday, February 02, 2008

Thoughts of Halee

February 2nd. It's a tough day for our family. 6 Years ago today, we went to the hospital to visit our 1 month old daughter, Halee. She had not left the hospital since she was born and on this day was having her third heart surgery of her short life. We went to the hospital with hopes of brining our daughter home soon, but we left there with the numbing reality that she would never come home with us. Instead, in the middle of her surgery, she went to a much better home than we could have ever provided for her.

Our pain eases with the passing of each year, but there are still those moments of sorrow that catch me by surprise; little things that sear my heart when I least expect them. In a strange sort of way, I've grown to welcome those moments, as they remind me of the love I have for Halee, even though I didn't have her long.

More than anything, I have the joyous hope that one day I will see her again. I have a post-it note stucking out the side of my bible. It's been there since shortly after Halee died. The edge of the neon green note is faded and frayed. It's starting to tear, but I won't remove it. It marks a small portion of a verse where King David is speaking of his infant son that has died. His words are my words, and they give me hope of a day to come...

2 Samuel 12:23b "I will go to him, but he will not return to me."

I know that Halee will not return to me, but one day, I will go to her. What a day that will be!


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