Saturday, February 23, 2008

Joy in the Night

It's happening again. I'm not sure why. The feelings showed up about a week and a half ago and whatever they are, I'm not really all that fond of them. I've always been a girl who's good at sleep. The world can be crashing down around me, my stress level can be through the roof, problems to be solved, decisions to be doesn't matter, I can always set it all aside until morning. Bedtime is my escape from the world. I realize the problems have not gone away, but they will certainly wait until morning, so why should I lose any precious sleep over it.

But lately, it's different. I'm not sure if it's physiological (body) or psychological (mind), but I wake up. I feel strange. My heart beats fast, my arms feel flushed. It's truly weird. I'm starting to wonder if it's not some manifestation of anxiety or stress and it's very strange to admit that on my blog, but doing so is the whole point of this make an honest effort at admitting struggles and successes and sharing the work of God in my life. (at least I think that's my point; I'm not accustomed to blogging at 1:25 in the morning, and at this hour it's hard to tell if I'm even putting complete sentences together. I really hope this doesn't become my habit)

Lest you read this and feel inclined to lecture me on the importance of consulting with my doctor about all of this, let me assure you that I'm already well down that road. We are working hard together to get this strangeness figured out.

But I'm fascinated with this concept of anxiety for a couple of reasons. I don't particularly feel anxious and in my limited understanding, I cannot figure out why I would wake up out of a deep sleep because of anxiety. Sleep is what alleviates my anxiety. It all seems backwards to me. But as I read Psalms the other day, I came across an encouraging verse.

"When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul." Psalm 94:19.

Isn't it good to know that even in the middle of our uncertainties, God will console us and give joy? So, even if I end up blogging in the middle of the night, I can do it with God's consolation and, ultimately, his Joy.


Anonymous said...

Cari ~ I can relate to this one more than I care to admit! If I got paid overtime for all the work I get done (in my head!) @ "o-dark thirty" I could afford to retire;-)
Blessings...PD in CO
P.S. Seriously,I hope you and the dr. can figure out a solution that will be helpful and provide you with your much needed rest!

Cari Johnson said...

Yes, this being awake in the middle of the night is not my cup of tea. (even though I usually have a cup of tea while I'm up!) Last week was better so I have high hopes.


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